All that mattered
by HarrySirius
Summary: SPOILERS: 5.22. Dean tried doing apple-pie life. But after remembering Sam's smile he finally has to admit that he's not good at it.


_Hi everyone!_

_Here's my first atempt at writing in this fandom! hope you enjoy!_

**All that mattered**

The grass still looked burnt as the young man precariously walked over it trying not to get lost in his overwhelming feelings. It hadn't even been a week since he had last visited this place but every time it felt to him like ages had passed. His legs trembled while walking to a certain spot on the graveyard just outside of Detroit – the same spot he had visited countless times before.

When he finally reached it, his knees buckled and the man slowly fell down, his whole body shaking. His hands touched the burnt grass beneath him and a teary sigh escaped his lips.

"I know you're probably surprised I'm here since it's not Sunday…" Dean whispered while caressing the ground absent minded, trying to control his voice somehow. "But you see… I just needed to talk to you…" Another shaky sigh followed a somewhat hollow laughter. "God, I'm pathetic…"

Yes, Dean knew he was, but he couldn't help it. Couldn't and didn't want to. Because he had stopped caring a long time ago. He had try to go on, he really had. He had tried to live that apple-pie-life that Sam had wanted him to live. He had tried to be happy and move on. But how could he, if the most important thing in the world – the person that mattered – was gone?

Today had shown him all too clearly that it was just too much.

"Thanks Dean! This is just so great!" Ben practically bounced in front of him while waiting in line to get onto the rollercoaster. His eyes were shining and his smile boomed all over his face, lightening up everything around him. And all of a sudden, the boy was on him, arms wrapped around his torso in a fierce hug."You're the best, really!"

Just then, something deep inside of Dean broke.

It was Thursday and Dean had made the boy stay home from school to give him and his mother a treat. At first, Lisa had frowned at him of course. Said that he should be setting a better example for her son but then Dean had just played his charm on her and his girlfriend had given in. So the three of them had hit the road to get to the next amusement park – a treat he had promised Ben ages ago. Well not literally but it had felt like ages – at least to the ten-year old. And Dean wouldn't have been Dean if he hadn't given in.

They had spent a great time at Rollercoaster-Land, or whatever that park was called. They had eaten popcorn and Hot-Dogs, had taken on every single ride they could. Even Lisa had enjoyed herself pretending to ignore the fact that her boyfriend had made her precious boy skip school.

All in all it just had been a perfect day. But then out of nowhere it had turned into chaos.

Dean's body tensed up at Ben's words and his heart felt like being ripped into tiny little pieces. His mind started to swirl and he somehow forced the boy's hands away from him, stumbling backwards. Emotions where rolling over him and couldn't quite control his breathing, all of a sudden feeling like he was suffocating. The whole place seemed to vanish and melt into someplace else – sometime else.

"_Thanks Dean! This is just so great!" Sam's eyes beamed up at him as he waited for his turn on the rollercoaster, his hands twitching from nervous expectation. Dean just smiled fondly at his younger brother, telling himself silently that just seeing this was worth all of the trouble waiting back at the motel for him. If it made Sam this happy, Dean would gladly accept the punishment. _

"_Glad you like it, little bro." he replied grinning and ruffling the already messy hair. Sam's smile even grew wider and all of a sudden he crashed into his brother, pulling him into a tight embrace. "You're the best, really." The twelve-year old whispered shyly and Dean's heart ached for him. _

The memory long forgotten now crashed down on him, leaving him raw and open. A hand on his shoulder pulled him back from 1995 and Lisa's concerned voice reached his clouded mind. "…alright? Dean? _Dean?" _

He just stared at her not quite comprehending what was happening to him. Her eyes looked plainly shocked and pain that shouldn't be there clouded her vision. "Honey?...You're…crying…"

Dean's eyes widened slightly and he brought a shaking hand to his cheek, only to find wetness there. Crying. He was fucking crying. In the middle of an amusement park. In front of his girlfriend and her ten-year-old son.

So Dean did the only thing that crossed his mind. He got away. Lisa was shouting something after him, but he couldn't make out the words, didn't want to. It was just so fucking humiliating. He ran all the way to the car that wasn't the Impala and drove as fast as he could.

He ran a shaky hand over his face, now dry again, but he still could feel the flow of tears that had nearly gotten him into an accident on his way to Detroit. Not that he had cared anyway.

He knew he would be in a fight with Lisa tonight, but he just couldn't care less about that too. In these days, Dean couldn't find it in himself to care for much anymore.

"Sammy, I'm so wasted…" he whispered, caressing the grass again. Another hollow chuckle escaped his lips, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Remember that day, when I took you to the amusement park in Altoona, Iowa?" he asked smiling teary eyed again.

"I just remembered today. You were so wasted because you had to leave another school and Dad wouldn't let you say good bye to your friends. Remember that?"

It still pained Dean beyond words just how much his Dad had ignored Sam's plea back then. No boy, no goodbyes, we're off, the next hunt is waiting, he just had said, and practically had pushed Sam into the Impala. Dean had tried to reason with him, but of course John had just told him to stop, and Dean had obeyed. He had seen Sam's tears in the review mirror and he had hated his father for causing them.

So after John had dropped them off at another shabby motel, Dean had made his decision. He had promised to himself that he would make it up to Sam somehow, just when it felt convenient.

"So I took you to out, even though I knew that Dad would be furious at me. But you were so down… and I just wanted to make you smile again…having a great time…"

And that was what he had done then. He had made Sam smile, made him have a good time and forget that their life sucked. Because that was what mattered to him. Seeing his little brother happy. Caring for him, watching out for him was his job… was everything that made Dean the person he was. Of course his father had been beyond furious, but Dean had gladly accepted the harsh words, even if they actually had hurt a lot. Because he had made Sam smile. That had been worth anything.

"I just miss you so much, Sammy…" he whispered brokenly. Dean knew he was torturing himself. But mourning for Sam was the only emotion he truly could feel anymore. A few tears rolled down his cheeks but he wiped them away with the back of his hand, trying to regain some of his composure. He tried to swallow the big lump in his throat but it had been there constantly since Sam's death and Dean knew he would never get rid of it. Hell, he wasn't even sure he wanted to. Because that meant to get over it and he couldn't possible get over _Sam._ Ever. He owed him that much, since he hadn't been able to protect him.

"I'm so sorry, that I failed you in the end…"

After those words, Dean stayed silent for what seemed like eternity, just staring at the spot that had swallowed his brother five months ago. Like he always did, when he was done talking. He stared until he decided it was time to leave again.

"See you next Sunday, little brother…" He whispered when the time came. It was what he always said, because since that fateful day, Dean had come here every fucking Sunday. And he would be coming until he was no more.

His feet felt heavy, when he dragged himself towards the car that wasn't his, wasn't the Impala, wasn't connected to Sam in anyway. He got in without looking back once, because why should he anyway. He would be coming back in just three days. And the grass would still be burned and Sam would still be dead. And that was all to that.

He pulled away from the graveyard without turning. If he had, he maybe would have seen the tall figure stepping out behind a tree. A man with shaggy brown hair and sad green eyes watching him leave.

Sam's eyes burned with tears as he watched his brother pull the car towards the interstate that would bring back to where he came from. His heart felt like bursting with grieve and heavy with guilt, because he could have stopped Dean's misery in an instant, if he had just revealed himself to his brother. But he hadn't.

And for the first time in months, Sam wasn't so sure anymore that he had done the right thing.

_be kind and review^^- HS_


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